~Foreign Exchange Student~

I thought about being a FES (foreign exchange student) a lot lately. I mean, of course, I used to be one which is probably why I started thinking about it in the first place. But I came to realize that it's also a label, a stereotype -- just something that defines you way before people get to know you really.

Looking back I can't really say I was actually treated like a FES. I guess I was way too assimilated right from the get-go to actually be "THE" FES. This whole "exotic" thing of being from a country other than the US only lasted about a month. People kept comparing me to "the other FES's from past years" just to find that I wasn't anything like them. Good for me, I guess.

8 years down the road I keep hearing things from people like: "You truly are American" or "If I didn't know you're from Germany...". It's flattering, of course, but it just doesn't seem to fit sometimes. I mean, people keep telling me how I don't have an accent (except for a certain family living in Upper Sandusky - you know who you are! LOL.)and how they would have never been able to tell that I am something other than American. I just love moments like that. Yes, it does make me feel good and proud.

And still, I think I never really got rid of the FES label for myself. I still consider myself the FES, or at least the former-FES. Even though I feel so much at home in the States, and even though I know my way around, even though I am not surprised about certain cultural differences and even though I just seem to belong there, I still absorb everything as if I was the 16 yr old German FES that I was 8 years ago.

And yet, it somewhat hurts me when people introduce me as the former- FES or as "the friend from Germany" (Yes, I AM from Germany -- I REALIZE that!!). It just is so emotionally challenging for me to be in that position of the former- FES and yet fully assimilated German that is actually pretty American. I am constantly on an emotional ride. I know people don't realize this because I have never talked about it before. It is just something that has always been on my mind.

For example, I've noticed that it is "OKAY" for me to do certain things in the States that are actually not quite appropriate -- because I am from Germany. Every LITTLE thing I do that is SLIGHTLY different is seen as a GERMAN thing -- it isn't really. I have just always tried to be different, I never wanted to do things the way everybody does them. (e.g. I tie my shoes ENTIRELY different -- I have made people laugh, but I spent months of trying to find a different way to tie my shoes and I am proud to have found a solution! Lol.) Things that people don't like about me are being overlooked because I am German. Do you get the picture? I just wish people would rather be upset with me than just be OKAY with it. Yes, I always say: "I am the crazy German". Maybe I am, but people have gotten so used to the habit of accepting things they would NEVER accept if I was a REAL American. And, I've gotten used to the fact that people do that, which made me keep my own FES- label.

For some reason I thought about the possibility that "my Americans" could, at some point, decide to host exchange students -- maybe even Mommy and Daddy (aka Pam and Jerry). I don't know if that would ever really happen but I came to realize that I, OF ALL PEOPLE (!!!), probably would have a hard time accepting this. I think I could not be happy about that -- even though I ALWAYS encourage people to be a part of international exchange, in one way or another. But I would feel like as if I would be replaced by someone else, new, fresh and exciting. It is totally stupid, and I know that. I am not an FES anymore. Now, after so many years I am the "friend" or whatever people abroad might think of me. But I still think in FES patterns sometimes, and I think I would feel as if ... I don't even know. It would just be weird, and I wouldn't want to meet the "new FES". Tell me that I am totally retarded -- and I am!! But can you at least somewhat understand what I mean?

Out of the blue I had a mental picture of me sitting in Italian Upper Sandusky today (= Swerline's deck *sigh*). I saw myself sitting there with Pam and Jerry (just like we did on my very last night in the States back in March *sigh even more*). All of a sudden Pam said something like: "Hey, we kinda thought about hosting an FES. Jaron is gonna move out soon and Linds might be moving away. It will just be boring around here. So we figured it would be nice to have someone come and live with us!" (She actually, in real life, did say something about how it's gonna be just her and Jerry, and how it might be so quiet and things like that, but that was in a different context.) And, in my "head-movie" I just didn't know what to say. I guess I wouldn't know what to say in reality as well.
It was just totally weird that I even thought about something like that. And it surely made me sad.

I should have passed the stage of being the FES a long time ago, but for some odd reason it just sticks with me. I wonder if it always will.

I think this is gonna be the longest post EVER, but it really gets to me how I can feel like I belong to the States and yet still feel like the FES at times. If I could just put that in a healthy perspective, I am sure I would embrace "new Lillys". Lol. "New Lillys"... yeah, maybe that's just part of the problem.

Okay, now go and get your FES. It's fun, it really is. Maybe it would even help me to feel more like "the friend" and less like "the former-FES". I don't know.

Sometimes, I just wonder what goes on in my head!!??