Hard Solitude.

"What do you wanna do today?" - "Nothing really." - "Aren't you bored? Do you want us to go somewhere or do something?" - "No, seriously, I am perfectly fine with just being here, doing nothing."

I can't tell you how many times I've had a conversation like this. It seems like people are surprised that I sometimes just want to do nothing at all... wait, that's not true. Whenever I am doing nothing at all, I am actually working the hardest. During my time of assumed laziness I am thinking, evaluating, putting things in perspective .. but most importantly, I am loving my friends and family the most. All in all, I am working on my life and the relationships I am having. And yes, I am actually doing this in absence of the people involved, I am doing this in absence of YOU.



If you want to call me crazy - hey, go ahead, I've been called worse! :)

Being away from people, finding true peace and solitude for yourself is the best way to learn to appreciate other people. That may be just my opinion and you may not understand my reasoning but it has worked for me for as long as I can remember. In the midst of our every day, crazy life you cling to people to get through or maybe even just to get by, you have fun with people, you talk to people... but you don't actually SEE their influence on you. You don't really RECEIVE what they are actually giving you. "You don't know what you got till it's gone" is not just SOME saying, it is the bitter truth. But do we wait until the other person is really gone to find out? Isn't it better to just take physical absence as the perfect time to work on our relationships with each other?

Let me give you an example: Whenever I am in Germany I miss my crazy (and not so crazy - hehe) Americans. While missing them (which obviously involves thinking of them a lot)I relive memories and conversations and so forth, and every time I do that I get a better and broader picture of how they have influenced, shaped and bettered my life. I learn to appreciate their existence in my life even more. It also works the other way around: I learn to appreciate Germany, my husband, my friends, my family- basically everything and everyone I have here while being abroad. That's not the worst thing, is it?

I need my solitude. I need to be alone. I need to do nothing at all. I need to not call or write for a couple of weeks.

Why?

I don't want to get used to you! I don't want to take you and your love and friendship for granted! And, quite frankly, I don't want to get tired of you because we are spending too much time together!!

So, next time you think I am being "anti-social" or you think I am "in a bad mood" or I may be "hard to read" for you - trust me, I am none of the above.

I am just working. Working on you and me! In solitude... :)

Someone's past.

People always tell me I need to stop living in my past; even more so, they tell me I need to move on. That may be true but it's just one tiny part of the phenomenon that is my life. Yes, of course, I tend to cling to past events, to old feelings, to precious memories that will never come back to life and become a part of my present reality. And yes, this may very well be highly destructive but I just recently came to realize that part of "the problem" is not that I want to live in MY past but in THE past.

Growing up I have felt so alienated at times. I felt like I wasn't part of the same-age-crowd because I just didn't share their opinions, their values, their taste in music, clothes and I didn't participate in their gossip. Still today I sometimes have trouble connecting with people my age on a deeper level. Don't get me wrong: I am friends with wonderful, awesome and incredible people my age, and I wouldn't want to miss them for anything in my life. But if I look at my "inner circle", if I truly evaluate who I consider a close friend I have to admit that at least half of my close pals are at least 15+ years older than me. There must be a reason for that! Also, my "idols" (actors, musicians, writers...)are AT LEAST 50 years of age. There must be a reason for that!

My Grandma used to describe me like this: "She's not just a child. She is an adult in a child's body. Her mind and soul are way too old. Something must have went wrong. She scares me sometimes." I was only 7 years old when she said that. There must be a reason for that!

I think I am intrigued by the past. Not my past. But someone's past. I am intrigued by what I consider *exciting* times that I will never live to see in my own life. Times of change, times of true freedom, times of revolution, times when anything was still possible even though one had to endure tremendous hardships.

My generation has a problem: we don't have real problems. We grew into a society with endless supplies. We grew into a society where looks and money are more important than values and talent. We grew into a society where one single person has a say over millions and we grew to accept all of this. Our problems are to stay on top of this giant machinery and to become a part of overachievers.

Former generations endured wars, political changes, social empowerment, small and large revolutions and true freedom... they all lived to become extraordinary people with a TRUE STORY to tell. I guess that's it. I guess that's what I want for myself. I guess that's why I don't consider problems real problems. I guess that's why I am secretly wishing I would have been born "back in the days" (whenever that may have been) to now be at least 65 years old. :)

So sorry, folks, I will keep living in the past just because it's more exciting that way. Also, I don't think it's bad to have some "old fashioned" values to share with lost generations of today's society. I certainly don't think it's wrong to enjoy some real good music - music that was still handcrafted and had a true message!



Great, huh? :)