My head is about to explode

MY GOD...I NEED A FREAKIN' BREAK!!

I am so so stressed out with everything that's going on. I don't even know what to do first!! I've had a headache for like 2 weeks now...I can't sleep anymore...I don't even know.

There is so much going on with school and everything...the only thing that keeps me alive is the fact that I will be in the States in less than 100 days...

All I need is ONE SINGLE NICE WORD!!!

I'll be back at this once I stopped whining! :-((

Friendship that will last forever....

Everyone is always looking for friends that will be there no matter what. I think people need this "institution" in their lives to feel stable and at ease.
Throughout my whole life I have met so many interesting people, so many personalities that contributed to who I am today. Even though I lost touch to some of these people I still acknowledge them with my everyday behaviour, my views on life and with the decisions I make. It is so weird because you tend to forget that certain things you do, certain habits you've developed are linked to a person you've met. People that really made a difference in your life are so precious. Some of the people that made a difference in my life are gone, some people I don't talk to anymore and some live very far away. But nevertheless, I keep them in my heart and I am grateful for what they did for me. I am sure most people don't even know they made this difference for me.

I believe that friendship doesn't mean that you have to call each other every day. True friendship survives time, distance, arguments and disagreements. Friendship is proven in times of need. How many times have I considered someone a friend just because I had unconditional fun with that person. But once I needed help it turned out this person wasn't willing to help or at least to comfort me. It's devastating once you realize this. But it's life. And then again this changes you: you're not as trustworthy and blue-eyed anymore. Is that a bad thing? I don't think so.

When I came to the States in 2001 I had a million friends all of a sudden. Of course, I was a foreigner and therefore I was interesting for everyone. But interest and friendship are again two different worlds- especially in the States. In Germany people don't even try to make an effort to pretend they wanna be your friend. It's a lot more hard work to become friends. I don't know which way is better, but Germany doesn't "provide" you with as many disappointing accounts. Of course, Germany has a lot of fake people (just like any other country in the world). But the overall American attitude is a lot different: there is a certain code of conduct where everyone is entitled to be nice and happy and bubbly. That has been very helpful for me to feel right at home but it also proved somewhat of a difficult situation for me as well. I had to scrape the outer surface to find out who is just being nice and who is a friend. MAJOR DIFFERENCE!! But at least everyone is nice to each other. (I'm not talking about fake- nice...I really mean nice.) I find that to be a very good starting point and I have adopted this way of behaviour very much. People in Germany label me "too nice for the world" now. But I relly think one reason why Americans are so much happier is because they are nice, outgoing people. Germans are more distanced. It takes a long long time for them to break the ice.

I made true friends in both countries. Thank God I have my crazy Americans!!

Still, I am somewhat torn bc I live in two worlds and two cultures. I don't really know which one I belong too. When I'm here in Germany I look for American values in friendshps which are hard to find (but then again I found people that are very americanized as well) and when I'm in the States I look for German values. But the question still remains: what kind of values are those?

In the end friendship is friendship and only few will last forever. I know I shouldn't be thinking in fixed sets of traits but due to cultural differences I do.

But I know who is my friend in the States and I know who is my friend in Germany. And THAT is very comforting. Even though "living" the friendship might be different, the result is the same. And that is all I need to know!

The date is set!!!!

I BOOKED MY FLIGHT TO THE STATES LAST NIGHT!!!

It is official now: I will be in the States from March 1- March 29!!!!

I am so so thrilled, I can't believe everything happened so fast now. I found a really cheap flight round trip. AWESOME!!

The best thing about this: I will be celebrating my birthday with my American friends. I already created it as an event on facebook, but it looks like people didn't quite get that I will be in the States to celebrate. Hope this will sink in soon so that everyone is as happy as I am.

The only "bad" news is that my sister Linds told me she might move to California in March. I still can't believe that I might not get to see her. Her husband and her are willing to take on this great opportunity to spread God's word and love to the people in CA. I am so proud of them and I wish them all the best, but I hope and pray that I will get to see them before they leave!

I will have to rund some errands right now, e.g. get an international driver's licence...already got an ugly picture taken for that! I am so excited!!

My map- okay, I stole this idea from Leslie! ;)

Lilly- out and about auf einer größeren Karte anzeigen

I think you will have to enlarge this map to see all the marks and comments I put in it. But enjoy!

Japamerican in Germany!?

Oh my Goodness, I am so so excited! My friend Leslie is actually planning to visit me here in Germany in Feb. That would be the very first American to visit me here after...umm....7 years or so! Okay, Leslie has been to Germany before and actually she has only been like 2 hours away from me back then but for some reason we didn't manage to get together! BUT NOW WE WILL.

I am totally psyched...this morning I was jumping up and down, getting on my hubby's nerves....I am so so happy.

Funny thing about this is: Leslie is currently living in Japan...I believe the US is closer to Germany than Japan is...but I don't know exactly. Anyways, she will be traveling for like 18 hours or so....we will have so much fun! I am already thinking about things to do, places to go...

Feels like I'm dreaming....this is seriously a dream come true to me: one of my American friends will finally see what my life is like here in Germany!

WOOOOOHOOOOO!

let's get down to business....

*yawn* It's 3 am here in Germany and even though I'm tired I cannot sleep...as always! So I got up again. I watched a Roger Moore"James Bond" movie, tried to ignore my snoring husband, and turned the computer back on. Thank God I did bc now I finally have my old High School's mailing address so that I can finally send the letter. THE letter in which I will beg for a chance to work on my BA Thesis...thus for a chance to come back to the States. Hoooooooray!

I'm such an open person but I am also so stupid when it comes to writing official letters. I always feel like a retard. I can't find the right words, I always feel like I can't express what I really want...it sucks. But I HAVE to get it done. I wonder if the States have the same stupid regulations when it comes to surveys in schools that Germany has. For the ONE German High School I want to work with I need to hand in dozens of papers and declarations and what not. I can't believe that it takes so much work...even for a student like me that would be so greatful for any help. I always thought that the younger generations are the future of a country. Therefore it shouldn't be all that hard to do something for one's EDUCATION. GOSH!

But hey, I know this is something that I have to go through no matter what. I know that this year is my year of testing and that I have to prove my will and my endurance. It is a life's lesson that everyone learns or has to learn at some point in time. My time is now. That's overwhelming...but awesome at the same time.

I finally realized that I am all grown up. And I am starting to act upon it now!

My friends here in Germany didn't quite get it yet, I think. Of course, some did. But most of them take themselves either too seriously or they don't care at all. About nothing. SAD! I think I kinda found my balance. I have so much fun in my life, I am crazy about certain things and I am not embarrassed to show it BUT I also know where I stand, I know who I am and where I wanna go. (To the US as of right now...lol)

I believe there are great things ahead of me. I just have to get there. I WILL get there.

Any bump in my road ahead is just another test that I'll have to pass. That doesn't mean it's going to be easy, but I know it means there'll an end to all of this. A finish line that I will cross and that is so comforting.

So many of the people I know and love are not at that stage yet. They just see the struggle and give up. I have been there before...I know how much it hurts.

But now everything is different. Thanks to a lot of inspiring people I am finally on the right path again.

Please remind me of this blog if I'll ever lose my way again!

Bilingual thoughts...status quo

Today is the first day of my new chapter. Yes, I know it sounds dramatic...but maybe it is!? I know I have to change so many things to be better, feel better, live better...and one and foremost I need to get my ass up and finally do something.

I don't know what made me live in this bubble...

My situation sounds simple: I am a 23- year- old German College student in her final year. I am majoring in American Studies and I cannot wait to be done. When I was 16 I spent a foreign exchange year in Ohio, USA and there I lost my heart....I lost my heart to the life I had there, to the people I met which I now consider my family...to this country that still captivates me with all its power, its beauty and the dreams I connect with it. Still simple? Don't think so...

I am torn between two worlds and I cannot seem to build a bridge...you'll later see why.

So much for my situation. I think you need to know this in order to understand my journey...the journey I plan to share here.

Okay, enough of this drama queen crap....I am good to go now.

First thing tomorrow: I need to write letters to important people in order to submit a survey at my old German High School and my US High School...for my Thesis....plus I will get the chance of goping back to the States in March!! Crossing my fingers that it'll work!