Hard Solitude.

"What do you wanna do today?" - "Nothing really." - "Aren't you bored? Do you want us to go somewhere or do something?" - "No, seriously, I am perfectly fine with just being here, doing nothing."

I can't tell you how many times I've had a conversation like this. It seems like people are surprised that I sometimes just want to do nothing at all... wait, that's not true. Whenever I am doing nothing at all, I am actually working the hardest. During my time of assumed laziness I am thinking, evaluating, putting things in perspective .. but most importantly, I am loving my friends and family the most. All in all, I am working on my life and the relationships I am having. And yes, I am actually doing this in absence of the people involved, I am doing this in absence of YOU.



If you want to call me crazy - hey, go ahead, I've been called worse! :)

Being away from people, finding true peace and solitude for yourself is the best way to learn to appreciate other people. That may be just my opinion and you may not understand my reasoning but it has worked for me for as long as I can remember. In the midst of our every day, crazy life you cling to people to get through or maybe even just to get by, you have fun with people, you talk to people... but you don't actually SEE their influence on you. You don't really RECEIVE what they are actually giving you. "You don't know what you got till it's gone" is not just SOME saying, it is the bitter truth. But do we wait until the other person is really gone to find out? Isn't it better to just take physical absence as the perfect time to work on our relationships with each other?

Let me give you an example: Whenever I am in Germany I miss my crazy (and not so crazy - hehe) Americans. While missing them (which obviously involves thinking of them a lot)I relive memories and conversations and so forth, and every time I do that I get a better and broader picture of how they have influenced, shaped and bettered my life. I learn to appreciate their existence in my life even more. It also works the other way around: I learn to appreciate Germany, my husband, my friends, my family- basically everything and everyone I have here while being abroad. That's not the worst thing, is it?

I need my solitude. I need to be alone. I need to do nothing at all. I need to not call or write for a couple of weeks.

Why?

I don't want to get used to you! I don't want to take you and your love and friendship for granted! And, quite frankly, I don't want to get tired of you because we are spending too much time together!!

So, next time you think I am being "anti-social" or you think I am "in a bad mood" or I may be "hard to read" for you - trust me, I am none of the above.

I am just working. Working on you and me! In solitude... :)

Someone's past.

People always tell me I need to stop living in my past; even more so, they tell me I need to move on. That may be true but it's just one tiny part of the phenomenon that is my life. Yes, of course, I tend to cling to past events, to old feelings, to precious memories that will never come back to life and become a part of my present reality. And yes, this may very well be highly destructive but I just recently came to realize that part of "the problem" is not that I want to live in MY past but in THE past.

Growing up I have felt so alienated at times. I felt like I wasn't part of the same-age-crowd because I just didn't share their opinions, their values, their taste in music, clothes and I didn't participate in their gossip. Still today I sometimes have trouble connecting with people my age on a deeper level. Don't get me wrong: I am friends with wonderful, awesome and incredible people my age, and I wouldn't want to miss them for anything in my life. But if I look at my "inner circle", if I truly evaluate who I consider a close friend I have to admit that at least half of my close pals are at least 15+ years older than me. There must be a reason for that! Also, my "idols" (actors, musicians, writers...)are AT LEAST 50 years of age. There must be a reason for that!

My Grandma used to describe me like this: "She's not just a child. She is an adult in a child's body. Her mind and soul are way too old. Something must have went wrong. She scares me sometimes." I was only 7 years old when she said that. There must be a reason for that!

I think I am intrigued by the past. Not my past. But someone's past. I am intrigued by what I consider *exciting* times that I will never live to see in my own life. Times of change, times of true freedom, times of revolution, times when anything was still possible even though one had to endure tremendous hardships.

My generation has a problem: we don't have real problems. We grew into a society with endless supplies. We grew into a society where looks and money are more important than values and talent. We grew into a society where one single person has a say over millions and we grew to accept all of this. Our problems are to stay on top of this giant machinery and to become a part of overachievers.

Former generations endured wars, political changes, social empowerment, small and large revolutions and true freedom... they all lived to become extraordinary people with a TRUE STORY to tell. I guess that's it. I guess that's what I want for myself. I guess that's why I don't consider problems real problems. I guess that's why I am secretly wishing I would have been born "back in the days" (whenever that may have been) to now be at least 65 years old. :)

So sorry, folks, I will keep living in the past just because it's more exciting that way. Also, I don't think it's bad to have some "old fashioned" values to share with lost generations of today's society. I certainly don't think it's wrong to enjoy some real good music - music that was still handcrafted and had a true message!



Great, huh? :)

My bucket list. [wishful thinking]

* get a tattoo by Kat von D
* meet Meryl Streep
* publish a novel
* win a Green Card

in reality this would mean

* get a tattoo (and pretend it's by Kat von D)
* meet someone that at least reminds me of Meryl Streep
* finally finish at least one of my short stories and publish it online somewhere
* just keep on visiting the States on a tourist visa (which is, in fact, GREEN)

Life can be so easy if you realize that your wishful thinking CAN be your reality - even if it's not quite the real deal. Lol. But life is so much easier when you appreciate the things you already have.

Staying focused

I am incapable of staying focused. Just recently I had to admit to myself that this is by far one of the worst flaws I have. I loose interest so easily. Moreover, I seem to be looking for any distraction I can find sometimes - even if the distraction is something I absolutely dislike.

Even worse, though, is finding distraction in something I absolutely love. Like planning my visit to the States, for example. It's awful. It truly is. Right after booking my flight I can almost instantly feel my "I don't care about anything else anymore" mode coming on! There seems to be nothing that I can do about it. I just cannot stay focused on things I have to do ... like WORK, for example. It's just seems impossible for me to continue working. I get bored with working- even though I have things to do, important things even.

Maybe it's because I am in need of excitement. Or maybe I can't handle a normal day-to-day life. Or maybe both.

Even now, I am rather blogging than working. Great.

But hey - it IS pretty exciting to think about what I will be doing in less than 3 weeks from now when I am finally back in good old Ohio. Ha!

At least I am staying focused when it comes to the States, right!? :)

Living in tomorrow's history books!

There were numerous times during the first 4 months of this year when I just thought [or even said aloud]: "Wow, I feel like I am witnessing something so important that my kids and grandkids will talk about it in their history classes!" I'm sure they will. I mean, seriously, aren't you thinking the same thing?? All this change, the violence, the threats, the economic crisis - yes, even the fall of a certain German minister being an alleged cheater [academics, folks- not sex... but then again, where exactly is the difference? Whoa, my friend SARCASM just woke up!].

And then, today- or last night, US special forces killed Bin Laden.

I highly doubt that this will be the last historic event of 2011. Honestly, I think things are going to be more than ugly now. I understand that for Americans the capture and death of this guy is like a holiday and will help to give peace of mind to a lot of them. But ... you can't truly believe that this will be it.

I am so undecided about this whole matter because my fear of what will happen now is far bigger than any possible joy I could feel. I am praying for all of us, especially for the United States and its people.

I am praying that we will all live to read future history books and that 2011 will not be marked as one of the most horrible and dark years of world history.

I'd appreciate your thoughts on this- please comment! :)

PS: I am NOT trying to make things worse than they are. I am just writing what is going on in my head. I, too, am satisfied that Bin Laden is finally caught. But I am just afraid it won't change a thing but make matters worse.

My neglected child and a fresh start, or so I hope

Wow! Over a year ago I stopped FEEDing my firstborn "child". What was I thinking? Well, I guess I wasn't thinking at all - at least not about this, my neglected child.

Life has taken a few twists and turns for me over the past year but I can honestly say I'm in a mostly happy place right now. But, dear friends, you probably know that I seem to be incapable to be fully happy. I need my black holes, my sadness, my yearnings and my melancholy. I just wouldn't be myself if I was beaming with happiness, pooping roses and singing Disney tunes all day. Seriously - you love me even though (or because?) I think too much, am cynical at times, irony is my best friend and sarcasm is my evil twin. That's me. NEWS FLASH: if you didn't know that, you didn't know me well enough.

Why am I saying this? Well, I guess all this happiness and all these blessings, all the greats things from this past year are taking their toll. I am LOVING life, don't get me wrong. And, I am EXTREMELY grateful for everything and everyone in my life. I am NOT complaining - I just realized that being happy all the time is STRESSING ME OUT.

I miss my depressed and unhappy self a little bit. So, I figured the best way to deal with this issue would be to start writing again. I can be depressed, unhappy, sarcastic and cynical through my writing. I can be the happy person in real life. BALANCE is key.

Speaking of happy: I am getting ready to head back to OHIO (once again...). 23 days to go. Obviously, I didn't totally screw up last summer- I am allowed to come back! YAY!

I will TRY to keep this blog fresh again... but I am not promising anything. This time, I will be smarter. I will write whenever something comes up. Or whenever you want me to. Ha!

Love love, folks!