Doubts and no doubt at all

I'm in a weird state of mind today. Actually, it all started out pretty cool after a fantastic weekend with my friend Anja. But after she left I talked to my Mom about everything that will be going on for me in the next couple of months. I know she is worried about me and she wants me to achieve everything I planned on achieving but her questions concerning the visa, the visa interview, the whole situation with my current job and my studies just planted doubts in my heart and mind. I wonder if everything will fall apart within the next weeks just because everything has been going great - fantastic even.

I shouldn't doubt. I know that. I need to trust that everything will work out the way it's supposed to- be it either way. I believe that everything happens for a reason and that things aren't in my control but that I am capable of living with whatever I will be given. I'm already feeling better just having written this. :) Yeah, I feel a lot better. Just read through the first part again and it makes me smile that dealing with my doubts, yet again, showed me that there is no reason to doubt anything. PERIOD.

But doubts are everywhere.

The other day I had a conversation with someone who attended service at a German church (it was part of a charity event which is why she attended in the first place). She told me that she was listening to the sermon when she started to wonder if Christians are indeed happier people than atheists (like her). I questioned her about it. She said that she wonders whether it is really that much easier to live life knowing that you will go to Heaven. I thought this was pretty neat and I told her about how I felt differently after becoming a Christian. She was quite stunned because she didn't even know that I came to know the Lord and that I was baptized in November. (I have to add we've been friends for a long time, she is one of my Golden Girls that I have talked about before) I told her that I can clearly say that my life has become A LOT lighter. I wouldn't necessary say it has become easy (but definitely easIER- OH YES- A LOT EASIER!) but I definietly know how to cope with everything now. Having known her for so long I bluntly said: "If you would just give it all to the Lord, if you would stop trying to control things that you cannot control and if you would stop thinking that you CAN be in control your life would be so much better." Period. I don't think I have EVER used such straight forward words talking to someone her age. And, quite honestly, I don't think I have ever let God speak through me like that before either. She was bewildered for a second but I could see her mind working. I expected her to be mad at me (because I know how atheists are after hearing something like that) but she wasn't at all.

Do you know what happened?

She cried. She nodded. "It's hard", she said, "I want to be in control, I have always tried to do that and deep in my heart I knew it couldn't work that way. But I am not sure if I am ready to let go."

I knew exactly what she meant. I know exactly how she feels. I know it will take time but this won't be the last conversation we're having about this matter.

The next day I could see that she hadn't slept well. Or maybe not at all. But she was all smiles. I take it as a good sign.

I know all about doubts! Just read the first part of my blog. They're still there sometimes but now I know I'm not alone fighting against them. And, hopefully, my friend will know that someday, too.