Walking in the love of GOD.

I can be such a horrible person. All of my life I knew that I was missing something. I didn't know what it was. I didn't know how to articulate it either. I became so restless, so uneasy, so unhappy at times. Little did I know back then that my eyes, ears, heart and soul were closed. They were closed and thus I wasn't able to SEE. HEAR and RECEIVE the love of GOD. Not to mention I wasn't able to RETURN this LOVE.

Of course, there are, yet again, historic reason for my atheistical upbringing. My parents and all of my family are non-believers. And, most importantly, churches are not necessarily seen as something "good" in parts of Germany. This is how I grew up. But I was always looking for my "purpose in life". This question of why I am on this earth has always been omnipresent. It drove me insane because I couldn't find a satisfying answer to this question. I always told myself there must be more to life than just to work and die. Several years I struggled really hard with myself, made choices I shouldn't have made and befriended people I shouldn't have befriended. Still today, so many years later, I am recovering from these horrific experiences in my life. It hurts, still today. And, it will continue hurting because it had such a huge impact on me. But now I am able to let go of it a little bit because I am able to forgive. I finally realized that no matter who I am, no matter what descisions I made in the past or will make in the future, I will ALWAYS be LOVED, unconditionally and at all times.

The first time I learned about GOD was in 6th grade. I went to an ecumenical High School for a couple of years. One of the classes everyone had to take was "Issues in Religion" which is pretty much a history lesson of the Bible. It is not so much a class on belief itself. Back then, I was interested and I became friends with Christians but still it just didn't occur to me that this could have been a chance to change my life. I became aware of different religions and what they entail but I didn't dive into any of them.

Now I know that is was a sign. Everything happens for a reason. Back then I just wasn't able to see. Maybe I was too young. But then again I think it nevertheless prepared me for my journey to GOD. At that same school I had an English teacher, my very first English teacher, that I admired very much. It was because of her that I found that English was a pretty easy language for me to learn. I was way ahead of my class and my teacher told my parents they should continue to nurture my thirst for the English language. I bonded with my teacher very strongly and I think that she, being a faithful Christian, was the first person in my life that I would consider being SENT to me BY GOD. I just didn't realize it back then.

When my parents and I moved away, because my Dad found a different job, my active journey to find the love of GOD was interrupted. However, my love for the English language continued, and that is why my parents sent me to Torbay, England at the age of 14 to be part of a Language Summer School. It was so much fun. I realized how advanced my language skills were already because I didn't have a problem to communicate. I was happy. For the first time I realized that this trip to England probably was the beginning of something great, something bigger than I could ever be able to grasp.

Upon graduating with honors in England I returned to Germany. My Dad and I started talking about me going abroad for a whole year. My Dad and I are very much alike. If he would have had the chance to experience a study abroad as a teenager he would have done it. But living during GDR (German- Democratic Republic) times (Eastern Germany before the wall came down) he never had the chance to leave the country to go to any "western" country. That is why he wanted me to have that chance. He worked very hard to be able to afford my stay. Ultimately I owe it to my parents that I found and accepted GOD's love and grace. Ironic, isn't it? My atheist parents paved the way to finding GOD. Thinking about it this way might be weird. But actually they paved my way to HAPPINESS which isn't all that weird anymore, is it?

I went to the States, still a non-believer, to discover the greatest gift of them all! This time, a whole family was sent to me and still to this date I believe that GOD planned this very carefully. They would NEVER push me in any direction. They would NEVER try to actually convince me that there is a GOD and that JESUS is alive. I don't think we ever really talked about it. I know that Linds and I talked about it once and she got upset with me because I didn't believe so we stopped talking about it. But they NEVER insulted me, or tried to educate me. All they did was to take me into their family as if I was an actual part of it. That's it. It sounds so simple but, oh, how much of an impact it had on my life!!! GOD spoke to me through them, through their love, through their support, through everything they did for me. It is so amazing and overpowering to learn how GOD can work through all of us- if we just LET HIM!!!

It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ, ... he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone.(Ephesians 1:11 [Msg])

Now I am finally able and capable to work on becoming a better person. I am so happy, I am so relieved, I am so grateful, I am so blessed.

I am so grateful I could find GOD and finally SEE, HEAR, RECEIVE and RETURN His LOVE. And, I feel truly blessed to have gotten to this point in my life with the help of some of the most amazing people I have ever and will ever meet!